So sad

Bn signed off work til January.  Bloody hell. Why am I so sad? Not sure these new ads are helping at all.
Having trouble sleeping. Also trouble concentrating. Let Dan down this morning after he's been the most wonderful supportive husband in the world. Gah! I suck.

I'm in my dressing gown at 2.30 in tge afternoon trying to motivate myself to have a shower and get dressed.  Only because my poor little kitty needs food.

We were due to go to a gig tonight and paid £70 for the tickets but now we're nit going and I feel like it's my fault.

I have a black dog. His name is C**T!

Can't deal with anything today.
Utterly useless and want nothing but my bed. I fail at everything.

Mostly numb. But also there is anger at this stupid brain malfunction.

And the next day
Feel utterly useless.  Pathetic. Failure.
Stupid.  Lazy. Worthless. Disgusting.
Depression 7/8. Anxiety 5.

Sgitballs

Yeg that. Im havung a braun varf so dint care about spelling mistakes. Flat flooded ar the wknd and I git tgrough it cheerfully.  Then cillaosef. Im a fyckinf mess. Im ruining everything I xant cope with kife. Can't . WNt to go bacj to my bed.

I was so up. I ckeared bixes and bafs of my stuff ti tge bin coz of the flooding. Worked hard felr goid. Now I'm a soggy mess. Feel like everyone is sick of my shit. I'm sick if my shit.

No sleep today

Well. Not sure why but I was totally wired last night. I lay in bed for 2 hours just not sleeping. Not stressing or thinking just not sleeping.

I am a bit twitchy in the toes. Then I got up at 4am. Went back to bed at 6.30 and eventually fell asleep about 8. Had crazy vivid (but not scary) dreams. Woke up,  went back to sleep and got up at 10.30.

Feel a bit grotty but more awake than I have in a while tbh. Though my head doesn't seem connected to my body :/

I have things to do today so I must shake a leg soon. But perhaps not quite yet.

Now it's 3pm. I'm showered, dressed and freaking out because I have to drive somewhere unfamiliar to meet someone I don't know. Whoo. Update later.

Drove about 8 miles to visit a lady from a freecycle group who  gifted me with a huge bag full of xmas decs :) dodgy drive home in traffic but I was overwhelmed by the lovely baubles, tinsel, lights and beads. Made my day and now I'm looking forward to decorating our tree this weekend.

This evening I do feel rough though. Like my head is numb - not attached. And nauseous with tummy ache :( bit fed up with this icky feeling but - chin up.

Yes!

Went to work today and it was good. I really like my job. Every one seemed to be nice to me. Val had done tons of work so pressure was off. It was great to be out and productive.

I'm on second dose and third day of new meds - Sertraline. Today I had sweaty palms, minor headache, minor earache, felt a bit jittery, moderate nausea and this evening weird vertigo like I was barrel rolling on the sofa!

But nothing I can't handle. Today has been good. Tomorrow will also be good.

Loser

God I'm such a fucking loser. I should be at work but I'm not. I'm so tired. It's like I'm paralysed to my bed. I try to get up but I'm exhausted.  Utterly drained, numb, empty of everything but pathetic tears.

I know. I should just do one thing. Just have a bath, get dressed or something but...there is no spirit in me.

Am I giving in? Is it really just my fault?
I must be so weak.

I need to be at work. I'm sure I'm needed and if I'm not there everything will build up to intolerable proportions.

I need to build my resolve and talk to my boss. Honestly and fully. And then try to work as much as I can.

Anxiety 3, depression 6/7, lethargy 7

I'm adding a photo today. I just woke up. I'm in bed. Note the pale zitty skin,  the thousand yard stare and ever present hoody of self pity.

Switch on...off...?

Went to the docs today and despite her largely dispassionate demeanour we agreed that I will switch from citalopram to sertraline and see if it helps.
Based on the experiences I have read from others I am concerned about the side effects for the next few weeks but I'm determined to stick it out and hope for the best.

I have 9 more days of work to get through. I'm not sure how I will do, but I think a conversation with my boss will be in order to let her know that I am doing my best to manage my condition,  my health and therefore my attendance and efficacy at work.

That is all I can do. Be honest, protect myself and keep trying. I will not slide down the rabbit hole. I will not.

Total waste

I'm not at work. Again. Great. I have an easy job close to home, part time and I still can't make it. I feel like I should give up! But then that's what I'm doing isn't it?
What I need to do is fight. Not sure I remember how.

Day off

After talking to my boss last week and explaining that I'm struggling I was then 45 minutes late on Tuesday and had to ask for today off.

I'm so tired. Lethargy. I'm so slowed down.  Walking,  talking, thinking. I am having trouble processing information - no matter how much coffee I drink!

But I had a minor success last night when I went to watch practice.  I almost took my skates but decided not to put too much pressure on myself.

I really went because I promised one of the girls a hug. She is also really down, but battling through and I admire her. I made her and another girl a little knitted heart to cheer them up and that gentle awkward kindness eased my pain a bit too.

Now today I'm flummoxed again as I desperately need to see the doctor and get a hair cut but picking up the phone, getting dressed and going out seems just too much :/

Better daze

Friday morning I felt immeasurably better. I felt refreshed when I woke up - that never happens!  And I got to work early and with a spring in my step.

But I then ate a whole load of cake and by 4.30 felt sluggish, cloudy and crap.

Today is Saturday.  I woke at 10.30. Got up begrudgingly for an hour then accidentally went back to bed and slept for another 3 hours!! Now I feel lousy (I could have stayed there all day) but I forced myself up. Next I must force myself to shower and dress.

I fail

I've had some minor ups and downs. I made it to London ans had a lovely wknd. I also made it to watch some practice last week. Then I got the dreaded lurgy and now I can't get going.

Second day off. Really letting the team down as its a busy week and ranging into absenteeism :(

Just so so sleepy. Definitely a SAD sufferer. So bought some vitamin D and more Berocca. Come on Laurie let's get through the winter! 6 weeks til xmas!
Anxiety 2/3. Depression 5. Lethargy 8.

Sunshine!

In order to make this more useful to me and perhaps anyone else who might read it in future I want to be a little more useful.
So yesterday I was about a 6/7 in terms of depression and a 5/6 in anxiety/ restlessness.

Today I got up (after a sleep fueled by zopiclone) I still felt knackered. I had my berocca.

Went to work still in a daze and had coffee and a cookie at about 11am. SB asked if I wanted to go for a walk at lunchtime. I didn't.  I wanted to curl up in the back seat of my car. But I did!

20 minutes walk in the sun, looking at the trees changing colour, listening to someone elses problems.  I ate only a bag of popcorn and some antioxidant juice.

I left work feeling better.  More awake,  more positive, even sort of smiley.

I don't know which piece of the day helped most but I'm guessing the combo of walk, sunshine, company and lack of starchy food. I'm now about a 2/3 on anxiety and a 3 on depression.  That's good desu ne?

Ah duck

It's hard to blog in the anxious bits. Too hard to settle concentrate and make sense. Easier to stop, freeze, hide then the depression creeps in.
2 days off work.  2 sessions of derby missed. 4 weeks off sw and about a stone heavier.  Must go to docs this week. I'm losing my shit...
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
Already feel unworthy and like people are judging and hating me.

Shit

I feel shit. I'm tired I'm shaky. I have palpitations.  I feel like a weak pathetic dick head. I'm isolating myself - cancelling on things I enjoy, making myself look unreliable and lazy.

It's the spiral! I know it and I'm still giving in to it! Why???

You feel bad so you don't go out,  then you feel silly and guilty and lonely.  You wonder what people will think or say about you, you feel paranoid and less inclined to go out next time.

The less you do of the fun things the worse you feel and the less energy and motivation you have. Fucks sake!!

I'm not going out but what I am going to do is unfuck my flat. I want it cleaner. Tidier. More peaceful.

Failing

I have been off work for a week. Bullshitting that I have the flu (well I am run down with a cold) but we know why don't we?

This morning I told hubs to wake me at any cost so that I would be ready for work. I got up early, I had an hour to get ready and I flaked. I was so damn TIRED!

I forced down my berocca and apple and citalopram (see I am trying) and then fell asleep on the sofa. I just woke up. It's lunchtime and I am starving!!

The question is - how do I prevent today from happening tomorrow?  I suppose I use my strength of will.

I know it's my decision of course but I'm prone to letting my gut make bad decisions. Come on head - get involved!!

Glad to have you

Hello blog my old friend.
I'm glad to have you because you are proof that I have seen the sun rise after the the darkest night.

Things are hard again. I'm tired - so tired I cannot get out of bed. I've been off work since last Wednesday.  I've skived skating and slimming world. My diet has been terrible.

I'm twitchy and not sleeping. I have mini panic attacks. I clearly see the downward spiral in front of me.

But I have started taking a B vit complex, trying to keep up with some activity and get some greens my diet. I'm here to look at how I got better before so I can nip this sucker in the bud.

Losing it

I'm struggling. Work was way hectic for the last three weeks and I fell off the SW wagon. I've definitely put on weight, missed roller derby and been eating nothing but crap.

I feel sluggish and depressed.

I know what I need to do. I need to detox,  get back to healthy and my mind will follow but it's so bloody hard when all I want to do is eat, sleep and lie here.

Fuck :(

Lovely weekend

Spent yesterday at a bbq with friends the sun was shining, the food was lovely and the company was perfect. Really great summer day :) I managed to stay in control of what I ate and drank though I allowed myself a couple of treats I didn't go crazy and today I feel pretty good.

I am also inspired by my lovely hubby today as he is feeling very positive and has decided to make some changes towards becoming a more family focused person. I also asked him to get weighed today as I can tell our new healthier lifestyle is having a good effect. He has lost a stone! ! I'm so proud and happy.

Week End

I worked three days this week.  Starting to settle into my new workplace, although the job itself is still a bit of a mystery I know I will pick it up soon. I just hope it is fast enough that I can be useful when things start to get crazy.

In 6 weeks the graduation ceremonies begin and it will be a crazy week of long days.  I expect the couple of weeks before that will also be very intense. But this is all very familiar to me from my days in theatre. It's like staging a huge production and the meetings we have are very much like production meetings - I think I will enjoy that.

I had induction things booked in for today and was fully prepared to go in and do them but was told firmly to take my day off - so here I am! Exhausted if truth be told, I slept until lunchtime.  Now it's already 3.30pm and I've only done a couple of things on my list.

Tomorrow I have a busy day: eye test at 9.20 - hoping I can sort some new specs before we go on holiday. Then hair dresser at 11.30 and hoping to get my eyebrows done in between those. Then Sunday I will drag mr to do a big food shop and then it's only one week til I'm off to sunny Corfu! Agh cannot wait for the sunshine, swimming and cocktails :)

Oh and I forgot to blog my most recent weigh in - this week I lost 2lb which means 8 in total and I got my 1/2 stone certificate!! A good week all in all.

Sleepy girl

26 May

I don't know why I'm so sleepy?! I went to bed around midnight and slept straight through to 12.30 this after noon. It does not feel good.

Beautiful bank holiday weekend and we are spending it indoors as mr is not well (got the lurgy I had last week) :(

I start my new job in two days - I'm quite excited and a little nervous. I know I can handle this though.  My focus this year is on my health, fitness and weight.  Not career. All I want is to pay the bills and start living my life!

Lazy day

Didn't want to do anything today but got dressed anyway and went to the shop. Really hungry today - feel liable to submit to temptation!  Diet wise I mean.

Just fed up with fruit, salad and yoghurt :(

And I twatted my wing mirror today and totally destroyed it! Smashed the mirror and the housing - wtf?! As well as discovering that my petrol flap lever doesn't work anymore so now I have to open the boot to get fuel in. Fucking car! I just spent £230 on you! !

Weigh in #4 and running

Weigh in on Tuesday was initially disappointing because I really felt skinnier!  My tummy felt flatter, my jeans were loose I was expecting 2lb off and hoping for 3. Alas no - another 1lb drop. Still these pounds will come off even if it has to be one by one. I've now lost 6lb and next week I WILL get my half stone award.

I that vein I have been watching The Biggest Loser compulsively and it inspired me to get back on the treadmill today and see what I could do. I decided not to stick to my usual intervals and try 5k instead just to get a benchmark time.

I started out running 2 walking 2 but after 30 minutes I ran out of steam so was running 1 walking 3. At 2 miles (3.1k) I thought I wasn't going to make it and decided to quit at 2.5 miles. Then I realised that I couldn't give up. Even if I had to walk the rest of the way I had to complete it. And I did :D

5k in 42:55. Lots of room for improvement and I have a month to make that improvement - yeah!!!

Paralysed by fear

After 4 days of doing very little I find myself overwhelmed by all the things I must catch up with.

I had my offer letter and pension forms today and I must read through, complete and return them asap. I also need to get a passport photo and visit the office with my id asap.

I have to go to the post office depot to collect this signed for item they have been too inept to deliver - though I have no idea what it is, certainly not something I have ordered.

I must arrange with the garage to get my car fixed this week and I'm waiting for a call back with a quote. Then I have to actually get it fixed.

I have to post my niece's birthday card.

I'm waiting for my sis to call for my passport info so she can officially put my name on the holiday which we are supposed to be going on in three weeks.

I need to get clothes sorted for my new job as well as clothes for the holiday.

I start work next week so I need to get my house in order before then and make sure I'm fully shopped and prepared to keep my weight loss on track.

I haven't run for over a week so I need to get my arse in gear and crank it back up - as soon as my chest is clear enough.  I have guilt about not doing this.

Looking over the list I feel the two crucial things for today are going to the post office and getting a passport photo and completing my forms.

So that begins with a shower and getting myself presentable. Good. A place to begin.

Update 6pm. Well my day skidded off the rails rather. I called the garage *tick* and they called me back whilst I was driving back from the post office *tick*. I couldn't answer the call unfortunately as my car chose that exact moment for the exhaust to fall off. Ironic no?

So I had to call breakdown and spend four hours divvying about waiting. Upside is that the exhaust is now fixed and on Wednesday the reverse light will be too. Downside is I haven't looked at my work stuff yet and I have eaten nothing but a pear today!

Sick sick sick and tired

I have a rotten cold. Sinuses hurt, ears hurt, bones aches. Doing nothing today but eating, sleeping and watching tv.

Had my porridge,  had a cup of tea now considering whether to go back to bed.

Update: 2am (next day)
Yeh I spent the day loafing, groaning and drinking water.  Tried to sleep a couple of hours ago but I'm just so hot and uncomfortable :( got some sudafed which helps the sinus pain a lot, but my ears are itchy and my throat feels like crap. Hopefully if I get some sleep tomorrow will be a better day.

Weigh in #3

I joined a new group on FB as I've been feeling lousy. It's called Morning Motivation and the people in it are just like me. Dealing with depression,  anxiety,  social phobia or chronic pain. We help motivate each other to do household tasks which can seem overwhelming. 

With the help of this group and facing my tasks with 'before' photos I did all of the washing up, put it away and cleaned the counters.  My kitchen looks fab (apart from the floor) its a great group.

Now I have to go to weigh in and I'm not feeling optimistic.  Still fighting a cold and feeling shivery and the weather is miserable.  Not sure if I will stay to group today. But will update you when I get back...

Update: Ok I lost 1lb which is not terribly impressive but its still one whole pound and 5 in total. It's disheartening when ppl post on FB - "yay I've lost a stone in 3 weeks!" But then I think how much longer their journey will be than mine because they must be so much heavier. I only ever lost 7lb in a week and that was by doing Dukan and will have been mostly water.

The point is I'm not disappointed.  I'm going to have to get used to the slow steady progress and if it continues this way I could lose 20lb by summer and reach target by xmas.

Blue

I feel really sad today. Pathetic.
Didn't wake up til 11.30. I feel obliged to do certain tasks but really I just want to eat junk food and hide in my bed :(

I've had a shower and put some washing in. If I get dressed and do some washing up I will EARN my lunch and then things will look better.  Right?

Update: 3pm
I did what I said and had a really nice 'normal' lunch but I still feel fed up and frustrated. I don't know why. Just feel so shitty.

Weekend doldrums

Yesterday I was up, dressed and out to the shop before lunch time but then I spent the rest of the day lounging on the sofa watching CM. It did not feel good.

Today I have flaked out on the opportunity to go to a spring craft fair/ festival in favour of staying in bed. What's that all about? Do I feel good? Nope.

I'm going to get up now and get breakfast.  Then...I dont know. The one thing on my list today is to do a workout on my arms.

Update : 18.10
I did my workout,  had breakfast and felt motivated enough to tidy up the floordrobe. Then I flaked out and now I am in bed feeling cruddy waiting for my dinner. Am getting a cold. My throat is scratchy and I feel really fed up. Boo.

Still sleepy

Hubby over slept this morning so I got up an hour early to take him. Then nipped to the petrol station and on to Boots where I got some cocoa butter for my increasingly loose skin - yuk.

I had breakfast - yoghurt and raspberries; and lunch - omelette with bacon and mushrooms, but I still feel unsatisfied. I'm drinking another glass of water and having a cigarette. Then I may attempt a wk 3 run before a lovely bath.

Every one of these things takes a push, but I'm doing it because I want to be healthy.

Update: 4pm. Just did my run. Including 2x 3 minute intervals!  Not much by some standards but for me that's quite a triumph and upped my speed to almost an 11 minute mile. IF I could sustain that pace it would make a very respectable 35 minutes for the 5k. Not sure I actually could sustain it, but we have to have goals do we not? :)

Eaten a big bowl of yoghurt and all bran (protein for my aching muscles) and now thinking a nice bath is in order before I start on dinner. Ahhh. This post run high is the best!!

Update: 8.45pm
Mr L called me at 6pm to say he was going out for drinks with his team - this is great as he usually avoids socialising with them. I'm happy he's going to have a treat. I made a vat of eyewateringly hot chilli and sw chips, followed by a hifi bar (rocky road style cereal bar with chocolate and marshmallows). I'm smoking my face off and debating whether I am tough enough to watch a paranormal horror movie by myself in the dark...probably not. :/

Feeling lovely and relaxed physically and mentally. Just have to stop myself from getting bored. Well painting my nails is a start I suppose.  And I do gave another four seasons of Criminal Minds to watch...

What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm dressed, I've been to the post office and bought food but now I'm sitting on my sofa again thinking ":( I can't be borhered to drink water,  can't be bothered to wash the pots :( :(, hungry but can't be bothered to cook..."

Honestly I piss myself off! Whiney, lazy, selfish,  unhelpful mind!! Get your arse up and do something.  You had great news yesterday,  why are you not happy?? Ungrateful brat.

Ok. The ONLY thing you must do today is get rid of that pile of washing up. Thus is your one mission. Now put on some music and just get it done!

Update: 2pm. I did a bit of cleaning and ate my lunch. I've signed up to rejoin my roller derby league in 2 weeks (which I am sooo excited about!), hopefully will start my new job in 2 and a half weeks and just maybe going on holiday in 4 weeks. Life is good! I have nothing to be sad about :)

Lighter

Weigh in last night was a success :) I lost 3lb this week, despite feeling cruddy and it being 'star week'. Really made me feel good!

Today I did the necessary trip to get my meds and then stock up on some fruit. It made me realise how much better I feel than a month ago when I was jittery and not sleeping. My worry now is that I have become lazy and slow and will struggle to go back to the daily grind of work.

I have given myself a few tasks today along with those already done, I must do my last session on c25k wk2, prep something to post out special delivery and get rid of the huge pile of washing up. I also want to prepare a nice healthy dinner and drink another two litres of water. I know it doesn't sound like much to most people but that is a lot of stuff for me and really I just want to lie on the sofa watching Criminal Minds.

I'm sure this is what lazy looks like. On the plus side I just ate a bunch of carrot sticks. This is the first time ever and they tasted pretty good! So come on woman - get hydrated and then get your trainers on!!

Update: 17.00.
Wow! My day got better! I got the job I interviewed for - what a nice surprise
:D

And whilst it comes from sad circumstances (my sister's relationship break up) it looks like I will be going on holiday to Greece in 4 weeks with her and the kids which will be lovely.

This week is turning out to be super so far! Now I just need my references to come back acceptable and I will be all set. So I had a run to celebrate and finished off week 2. Now just need to get my ass in gear for dinner and it's aaall good :))))

Weigh in #2

I was supposed to get up at 8 and call the docs as I have run out of my script. In fact I did wake up (with lots of help from hubby) and I did call three times. But then I fell back to sleep and woke up at 11.30.  Not good.

So it's been 4 days since I took my meds properly and this morning I got the weird withdrawal flashes which I can't describe but have heard other people refer to as 'brain zaps'. I also have digestive discomfort and womb cramps so not a good start to the day haha.

Still I had to get dressed and go to the shop for cat food and cigarettes, not to mention painkillers!  It's a beautiful warm sunny day and I dug out my trusty cropped stretch jeans. I remember wearing them on my hen night in 2007 and the muffin top was such that I had to wear a dress over the top. Today there is still muffin top but I can get away with a loose t-shirt so I feel quite good about that.

I am feeling a lack of energy and motivation. I have applications to complete, a mountain of washing up, errands to run, an actual run to run, doctors,  shopping, not to mention the unpacking and furniture building which is 6 months overdue - but it all seems a bit much today.  I will put it down to hormones and try not to worry that I feel blech.

A tried and true way to get the day going is breakfast so I'm going to hit my body with half a litre of water, a pear, then some yoghurt and all bran and I KNOW that things will start to get a little easier.

Bank Holiday #2

Urgh. It's 9am on Bank Hoilday Monday. I've had less than four hours sleep, but my evil body woke me up - wide wiiide awake.

Yesterday I felt lousy all day. Couldn't shake it. My stomach was so sore and my guts were burbling in an encouraging yet ultimately disappointing manner. I have a poo problem. Either can't go or just unpleasant when I do :/ anyway I felt sick and miserable and just wanted to sleep.

Hubby was all set to go out without me when a beautiful friend showed up like a forceful ray of sunshine and dragged me from under my blankie and made me go to the party.

No one has ever done that before and after I had a shower and got dressed it was amazing how much better I felt. Sure I was totally shamed when she came in and saw my sorry state but I guess that's what real friends do ;)

The party was very cool and we played computer games all night long - I even 'sang' on Singstar and played a football game!! And won!  It was really chilled and there wasn't too much naughty food - though I could have eaten an entire plate of the hostess's amazing brownies! OMG.

Despite drinking Pepsi Max and water for much of the night it was a long shindig and I did rack up 38 syns. I'd already saved 31 from my weekly allowance so I can stay on track but it's really amazing how quickly those bad boys mount up. And, as someone pointed out on a SW forum this morning,  how easy it was to put the weight on in the first place!

This morning I feel better.  My tummy is still gurgling and cramping but no relief in sight so I will just have to grin and bear it a little while longer. I don't see an impressive WI on the cards tomorrow but that's ok. It will come :)

Today will be about conforting food - maybe a roast? - snuggly blankets and movies.  Though the sun is shining and if Mr wakes up before mid afternoon I might try to coax him outside...

Bank holiday #1

My sister came to visit today. I got up earlier than I would like and cleaned the flat. We had a nice lunch and she chattered away all afternoon.

I did manage to get a run in. Day 2 of week 2 c25k. It's run 90 seconds walk 2 minutes x2. Sounds easy but for me it's a challenge.  One that I really enjoyed completing. I felt great afterwards :)

Then I made a really healthy pasta bake with salad and garlic bread for sis and hubby. I also watched as they nommed Doritos and sis drank a bottle of red wine. So jealous!

Tomorrow we have a party and I'm feeling grumpy and somewhat anxious about it. I have prepared myself with malibu and pepsi max and saved 20 syns for the evening (about 5-8 drinks). But I know there will be really bad food and drink will weaken my resolve :( I'm considering not drinking at all and then excusing myself to drive home around midnight but from experience I will feel on edge if I just drink caffeine all night...urgh tough choices. I should just think 'bugger it' and have a great time - but I want a good goddamn loss this week! But then if I deny myself and still dont lose I'll be frickin fuming.

Gah. Guess I'll see what tomorrow brings.

A day of rest?

I had planned to give myself a day off. A day where I have no schedule.  I don't have to do anything and can just sit and vegetate. But I realise that there are things I MUST do even on such a day.

My sister is coming to visit tomorrow and she is a clean freak. My flat is a disgrace and must be cleaned. I have also run out of a lot of the veg I need yo stay on SW properly so I must go shopping.  I have run out of meds so I must see my GP. I also need to go for a run if at all possible as my weekend is busy and I will likely have a hangover on Monday.  So boo! Lots to do :(

Still. It's almost 12pm now and I'm still not dressed so I can't really complain. Had my brekkie of berries and yoghurt. Had coffee and a couple of smokes. I may as well have a shower and get this show on the road. At the very least I must shop!

Update: 2.30pm
I went shopping and I'm so glad I did. I have posted a photo of the food because it is just so unlike me to buy healthy stuff and I don't think there is anything there to feel guilty about. Even if I ate the whole lot today!

Interview. Oh dear.

My interview today was at 11.30. I had intended to get up at 8 so I had plenty of time to prep.

Of course I woke up at 9.45. FUCK!
I panicked because I hate the rushing and I seriously considered not going. But I did make it and that is an achievement in itself.

It's in a lovely building only 10 minutes away and I have wanted to work there (in any capacity) for a long time. The interview went reasonably well. I have gine through much harder grillings. But I had an excercise to do before and I didn't finish it :(

Very disappointed with that. Any way we will see won't we?

I was also waiting to hear back from another job with a role for loads of dosh and they turned me down today. Ho hum. Not letting it get me down.

Exhausted

I fucked up today. Good and proper.
Feel exhausted. Been forcing myself every day to do stuff but this morning I didn't have the will. I needed more sleep.

And I felt 'can't be bothered' and 'what's the point' pulling me down. I don't want to do anything.

So I missed my therapy appointment coz I couldn't get out of bed. That's not good is it?

I'm feeling overwhelmed.  I have to prep for an interview tomorrow and go out fir dinner with Dan's fam tonight. I don't want to to any of it. I want to sit in my pjs and stare at the tv.

Update: 13.30. Here we are again and I really should have learned by now that things feel better as the day goes on! I took it very slow today. I lounged for an hour in self pity. Then I ate a pear, just to get started - I didn't want it you understand but somewhere deep down I knew I should.

I had a bath with lovely Lush products, then I got dressed and ate a bowl of non fat yoghurt and granola. I then felt ready to turn on the PC and read through the job spec for my interview tomorrow.  It's not too complicated.

Then I ran out of cigs so I had to go out (god bless cigarettes) and whilst I was at it I thought I would get ingredients for a broccoli quiche. It's beautiful outside!  The sun is shining,  it's warm and everyone seems cheerful.  Even the old misery in the shop :)

Now I feel much better. Not wonderful,  but much much better. I think I can do my interview prep soon and then get lunch. Then prepare to go out tonight.

See? Things look awful sometimes but you just have to put one foot in front of the other.  What's the worst that can happen? If you really can't handle it you can go back to your pjs and bed but at least you will have tried. Tomorrow you can try again.

Weigh in

I am so nervous about my first Slimming World weigh in tonight. Last time I joined I only lost 1/2lb in my first week. This time around I am trying to eat loads more fruit and superfree veg (low calorie density) I'm also drinking 2.5 litres of water per day.

And I had two 'runs' on the treadmill this week. Including today when I moved onto week 2 of c25k which is 6x 90 second run then 2min walk. Much tougher than the first week though technically only 'running' (I do 6mph) for 1 more minute across the session :/

Anyway I see people achieving these great losses and I'm envious.  I know myself too well I get bored after the first flush of excitement and I know that it's going to take a long time to lose the 50lbs or so that I'm aiming for.

One step at a time eh? Like this. One day, one hour, one choice at a time.
I shall update you with the result later...
Update: 9pm
Well. I lost one pound. 1 lb. Hmph.
A bit disappointed but not surprised really. When I got home my new FB SW friends cheered me up with lots of kind words and motivation.  I then cooked dinner which was SW hawaiian pizza and chips and it was totally delish. Like having a genuine treat! So I'm happy I can keep going and try even harder this week.

Though I have got two evenings out planned :/ ah well I'm driving tomoro so diet coke is easy enough, just need to have chicken and a jacket or salad and it'll be cool. More concerned about Sunday which is a big party night with big big junk food people...

Bad start to the day

I feel rotten again this morning.  Really shaky and sick.  I want to get back in bed and stay there. With cakes.

Luckily for me I'm addicted to nicotine and I just smoked my last fag. Smoking has forced me to leave the house on so many mornings whilst I've been down. I know it's a terrible habit but lets just leave that aside for now. Anything which forces me to move is a positive.

So I'm ignoring the nerves, shaking, nausea and tearfulness and going to the shop. Where I will not buy cake. Probably. NO! First weigh in tomorrow,  I will definitely not buy cake!!

Update: 12.30 pm. I went to the shop and bought only healthy stuff. I got a nice book in the mail and my pay cheque which is healthy too. But I'm flaked out on the sofa still shaky and feeling utterly low and empty.

I've pushed myself hard over the last week and today I feel resentful of the normal household tasks I need to accomplish.  I'm just staring into space feeling vacant. I don't know where to begin. 

Ok. Writing things down is helpful. So what do I need to do?
Washing up; clothes in the wash;  make chili for dinner; make breakfast and lunch.

What do I want to do? Loaf on the sofa or go back to sleep. Eat.

Put clothes in the wash. Then eat breakfast and take it from there. This is me being gentle with myself. A simple thing like breakfast seems to be cathartic so lets try it.

Update: 17.45. I'm back on the sofa. Breakfast did help and a jacket potato at lunch definitely picked me up. I did some house stuff and the chili is bubbling away but I feel completely wiped out now. And blue. Today was supposed to be very chilled but I feel like I've been busy all day! I don't know. I just feel weak and sick and...wrong somehow. It's the feeling I get before a panic attack :( I will just chill. Drink my water and lie still for a while.

Running!!

No alarm clock today and a decent nights sleep. Still had a headache when I woke up and though I had a nice healthy breakfast I still went back to bed for a cuddle.

It's now 14.30 and I just had my third run of c25k week one and I feel awesome! I decided to make no excuses.  Today my one goal was to run. I know not everyone has that luxury but as I do at the moment I'd be a fool not to take it. And the great thing is that I feel so juiced after the run that I want to do all the other stuff!

Ok realistically the buzz doesn't last forever but I'm making a note of how wonderful it feels immediately afterwards - especially when it is hard to get going! Now I'm going to have a shower then a lovely bath then a yummy salad sarnie with my homemade coleslaw. 

Hahaha this is crazy. My Sunday usually consists of lounging, eating biscuits, feeling shit and sluggish and going to bed unhappy. Even if the day ends up that way it had a good bit in the middle :)

Morning

After a few days of not sleeping I decided to stick with my old standby method - fall asleep on the sofa and stay there. I instructed hubby not to disturb me and managed about 7 hours sleep.

So why do I still feel so shitty? When I wake up to an alarm I feel sick for about an hour afterwards. My head is booming too - though I have been trying to drink more water it's clearly not enough! In order to get going and keep on track with SW I know I need to eat breakfast but ugh, I just feel so gross. I sm staring at an apple right now and the thought of it hurts my teeth.

Plus I know I have tons of chores to do today and I must get in my third 'run' for the week. Really all I want to do is get in my bed. I know other people have a lot more to cram into their day and this is where I start to feel guilty about being tired and unmotivated.  But thats not helpful is it?

For me, one step at a time is good enough. So. I shall take my meds and take my time. Wake up gently. Get a good breakfast. Then start my chores - gently. I will keep drinking water and in the afternoon I will do my run.

I will also try to do some prep for tomoro and then Sunday will be a beautiful relaxed day in a clean and tidy flat. That's the plan.

Update: 12.30
It took 2 hours to come round. I ate a chopped apple with fat free vanilla yoghurt and a sprinkle of granola. I felt sick. But then I started to feel better :)

I have put in a load of washing, washed some pots, and most awesomely - I just made SW coleslaw. This may seem a trivial thing to many but I hate veg and for me to make something that involves carrots, cabbage, preparation, cleaning and low fat is a huge achievement! And it tastes great. Riding a happy wave ~~~~ woop!

Though I must admit I am now STARVING. 

Update: 7pm
I chilled on the sofa after a lovely omelette and beans made by hubby. I almost dozed of but roused myself for a bit more housework and now I am pooped! I haven't run today and I feel a bit guilty but after the burst of awesomeness this morning I have slid back down to lazy town. We had a super healthy dinner of tuna salad and jack pots planned but the potatoes are all green! So we're going for pasta n sauce with sausages and a fruit salad to follow. It's not exciting but it is filling.

Highs and lows

Well the day started off crummy because I was so tired. How tempting was my bed? But, as has become my mission, I went out to spite the depression. That's right depression screw you! I went and got my hair did.

Whilst I was at the hairdresser I had three missed calls. One from a courier who wasn't able to deliver coz our buzzer doesn't work! One from my boss and one from the temp agency.

I knew what it meant to get a call from the agency - yay me I got the job nice self esteem boost :) The call from work was followed by an email which said that if I want to hand in my notice I must give four weeks but THEY WILL CONTINUE TO PAY ME! This is great news!

Then I had a quandary though because I will technically be on sick or at least garden leave until May so it would be risky to accept another job. Not to mention somewhat dishonest.
After some contemplation I calmly handed in my notice and then called the agency being polite and apologetic (so that they wont refuse my application next time).

Job done.  Now I think we can scrape by until July even if I don't manage to find another job. And if worst comes to worst I can sign on in May for a little more pocket money. Everything will be fine. I'm almost sure of it.

Land of the zombies

It's 4am and I'm awake. Again. 
Feel like I have tossed and turned for 5 hours only to suddenly become wide awake. And I feel ok now but by lunch time I will feel dreadful and in the afternoon my mood will plummet.

This cannot continue. I'm trying to be active and not just slope around the house but it feels like I'm being punished!

I'm now 80% convinced it's the higher level of citalopram causing this restlessness rather than anxiety because when I lay in bed my thoughts are not racing and spiraling and I don't feel panic, I just feel...restless, unsettled,  fidgety.  It's almost like being on speed - but in the day I don't feel speeded up I feel slowed down. But then that might be because I'm sleep deprived.... argh! A trip to the docs is in order I think!

Hitting hurdles

This morning I was supposed to have an appointment to get my hair done. I needed to get my hair done because I have an interview today for a temp job.

I missed my hair appointment because I didn't sleep again last night. It was like a very very long nightmare. I just dozed for 10 minutes and then woke for an hour or so all night long. When the alarm went off at 7.30 I felt dreadful.

Managed to grab a few zzzs this morning and now it's 11am. My interview is at 1.30pm and I'm fighting with myself about whether I attend.

Reasons not to go:
I feel like shit
I look like shit
If I go and I get it I'm not sure if I can take it (this is complicated)
If I get it and don't take it will it look bad to the temp agency who I may later need it may be better to withdraw
I'm very anxious
I want to go back to bed
The job is in the evenings - it will interfere with slimming world
It doesn't pay much and I'll probably lose half in tax

Reasons to go:
It will be good experience
I may need the job
If I back out I will look bad to the temp agency
The job is in the evenings so I will have time to prepare
The job is part time which is part of my plan to get better

This is difficult. I think I should go but my body is resisting. I'm twitchy and grumpy and causing chaos in my head. I must go! For no other reason than I don't want to! Man I am twisted.

Right. Coffee, fag, shower and reassess.

Update: 13.15 I'm sitting in reception waiting for my interview. I ate some surprisingly yummy yoghurt and berries for breakfast and that cheered me up a lot. Then I smoked a million cigarettes. Then I got my ass in gear and here I am. Yay me!! Hopefully it won't be too taxing, but even if it is - I'm here! !! I rule all

Update: 14.15. All over :D and I actually rather enjoyed it! There was an unexpected roleplay portion which I hate but I think I did ok. Then a very brief interview with two lovely ladies. Ahh. I rocked it and I feel BRILLIANT! If I hadn't gone I would have sat here feeling down and guilty. Now I feel positive and confident and pleased with myself. This is why I'm blogging. Recording and challenging my own shitty feelings so that I can look back at what helps and hinders. You are my conscience. Even though I'm sure no-one else is reading I feel an obligation to the blog title :)

Becoming healthier

Is bloody hard work.

I did Day 2 of the C25k today. I took it at an easier pace and it was much more manageable.  Even managed to sing as I was stumbling along!

When I came off the treadmill though I had an ache in my back, which I seem to wake up with every day. This afternoon it was horrible and worrying.  At first I thought I needed the loo, then felt overwhelmed by nausea and cold sweat. I managed to grab some painkillers but was too afraid to take them in case I threw up.

It felt like a kidney pain, but I have no problems peeing so I really don't know. Checked my pills for side effects seems unrelated. It's gone now and I hope it doesn't return because that was just nasty :(

Day 1 of SW and my cupboards are rather bare. I don't have much of the stuff I need (salad, veg, grains) but I will try to make it through today. I really feel quite shit now. Low energy, averse to going out, tired and want my bed. I'll get some food in me and hopefully that will help. Otherwise I may have to call it a day.

Mood: 4/10, anxiety: 4/10, energy: 3/10

Update 5pm: I ate and forced myself to go to the shop for healthier food. Albeit a lot of it is canned but I have to be realistic - if I don't have stuff around which is easy I won't eat well. My mood is slightly better now after going out. Not sure if it's down to the activity or the mental peace that comes from accomplishing a task? Hmm.

Anxiety

I have to speak to work today. My sick note runs to 3 May but I have decided not to go back. 4 hours a day commuting to London (yep that's not a typo) to work a full day in a stressful and often upsetting job is not going to help me get better.

I tried a phased return but even to work half a day meant a huge effort and cost and I flaked after a week.

So I have to commit to my decision and I'm extremely nervous about it. Obviously I'm supposed to give a month notice but that would be a month of sick notes and I feel that I am ready to do 'something' maybe a few hours temping.  If I ask my contract to be terminated immediately that is risky because I may not find work but I have to try. Sitting around is terrible for the soul.

My heart is racing, my hands are sweating I feel sick and dizzy just thinking about this conversation but it has to happen. I think. Oh god what am I doing?

Moving on. That's what I'm trying to do.I shall take my beta blockers and some calming breaths. Nothing is going to hurt me. Just put one word in front of the other. Will let you know how it goes.

Update: well. Just spoke to my boss who is the loveliest man ever. I told him I want to leave and whilst understanding he sounds genuinely gutted. He has done everything he can to help me and try to make it easier on me to go back. He is going to speak to HR and find out what happens re notice. So all that is left for me is to write my official resignation and see what happens with pay.

Feel a bit better now :)

Weight loss

Inspired by some wonderful people I went and rejoined Slimming World tonight. I haven't been for about a year and to be honest I didn't really enjoy it back then. The consultant was brusque, unprofessional,  pushy and never responded to requests for help. Looks like her group has since gone out of business.

Anyway, this new group seems ok. There is one mouthy mad American who I find really amusing :) and the consultant seems like a smart lady.

I weighed in at 12.12st which is about 2lb heavier than this time last year and half way between the heaviest and lightest I have been in the last 5 years. People always expect a big loss in the first week but to be quite honest I think that is unlikely for me. First time around I only lost 1/2 a lb the first week and was gutted. It takes me a while to get into it.

The reason I'm doing it right now is twofold: one it encourages better eaying habits - fresh fruit and veg as well as low gi high protein; and two if I look better I will feel better. Both things work on the positive spiral.

I was pretty nervous going to the group and I got the panic wave half way thru (I feel really hot and like I might throw up) that I sometimes get in training/ group presentations but I stuck it out. Even used a calming breathing excercise I read about! So yay me.

Sleeping tablets

Is this how people are supposed to feel when they wake up? My eyes are bright, my brain is switch to the 'on' position, no headache, no body aches! I feel ready to get out of bed!

Fair enough 9.42am is a little late to  do so - but it's the feeling I'm interested in. Last night I was reeling from tiredness but wanted to be sure it didn't escalate so I took a sleeping tablet. After an hour (midnight) I wasnt feeling it so I took another BOOM lights out.

Now it's a not a sedative its an hypnotic  drug and I have no clue how it works but I am aware that you have to treat it carefully and it can result in memory loss.

Normally when I wake up I have flashes of Dan coming to bed, waking up, hearing his alarm, or dreams at least. This morning I have nothing. I was either unconscious until a few minutes ago or I slept normally and have no nemory of any interupting events. Bizarre. But I do feel good.

Except for the fact that I slept through three alarms and missed my date with my friend. That's a downside.

Update 12pm. I am calm and relaxed to the point of horizontal. But I have no mojo. I did manage to shower and dress but I feel glued to the sofa. My head wants to hit the pillows. It's not sleepiness - I don't feel it in my eyes. It's more like feeling stoned ans just wanting to sink into soft warm blackness. Sooo tempting.

No!!! No no no no no! I am going to put the tv on loud. Do the washing up and eat something.  Hah! Screw you lethargy. I fight you one step at a time!!

The day after a sleepless night

I was wide awake until 5.30am when I finally got the urge to sleep. Until that point I was debating with myself whether to venture out to a 24 hour garage or McDonalds for entertainment.

I went to bed as hubby was waking up and fell asleep before he left around 7.30. I woke up at 11am feeling not too bad!

Today's mood 6/10 but fading; anxiety 5/10.

I have learned that activity promotes a sense of fulfilment and wellbeing which in turn leads to a desire to do more. It's an upward spiral out of depressions grasp.  But when you feel the lack of sleep draining your energy it's difficult to get moving.

Yesterday I got on the treadmill (inspired by a friend who used to be overweight running the marathon) and did the first day of the 'couch to 5k' it was agony and I am paying for it today. My thighs, calves as ass are stiff and sore. C25k gets you going with 60 second runs and walking intervals. I am extremely unfit and about 4 stones overweight BUT day one is under my belt and at the time I did feel great :)

So much so that I entered the Race for Life in 10 weeks. I'm also going to a hen party in 14 weeks so I have a good target for losing some weight and starting to feel good about myself. To that end I'm intending to rejoin SW tomorrow and for this reason I will mostly be eating crap today ;)

Update 5pm. Mood gone down the pan 4/10. Anxiety up and energy down.
So tired and grotty feeling - plus I feel pressure. I need to meet a friend,  call my boss, book an appointment,  get a hair cut, clean my house and I'm also waiting for two deliverys and the outcome of 4 job applications.

Right. What to do to get out of the grump?? Do something useful.  I will: empty the litter tray, do a spot of washing up and then sit down with a nice cup of tea. Ha! Now I have written it down I have no choice!

Insomnia

I've always been a bit of an insomniac but over the last 3 years it has gotten worse. It's only periodic and I can usually manage for one or two nights but at the moment it's pissing me off.

It seems that as my mood improves I get more fidgety and then I'm to wired to sleep. This happened about a month ago. My mood was good I felt positive and relaxed but then anxiety hit me from nowhere, insomnia followed and sleeplessness sent my mood spiralling down. After three awful weeks I now feel pretty good again but I cannot frickin sleep and I'm worried the same thing will happen again!

It could be my meds. I'm on 40mg citalopram and occasionally take beta blockers for anxiety.  My doc gave me sleeping tablets but I've only taken 4 in 4 weeks as dependency is a real issue. So what to do now?

Perhaps 40mg is too high? I'm perplexed and frustrated. Any ideas?

Here we go again

I decided to blog today off the cuff about my anger, frustration and optimism surrounding depression.

Here's the what. I was first diagnosed in 2002 and since then I have had several periods of moderate to severe depression.  I initially tried fluoxetine (prozac) but didn't like it. I later tried citalopram and have been taking it on and off for 8 years. I have seen 3 counsellors, a wellbeing practitioner, a CPN and several GPs.

I have been up and down. I have been unable to move, think, eat, sleep, live or die. I have been so anxious that I didn't leave the house for a month. But I have been well enough that I was on a tv gameshow, walked the Great Wall of China and raised £5000 for charity.

Me now: In December 2012 I realised I was depressed when visiting my folks over Christmas I suddenly couldn't stop crying. I was overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, loss and exhaustion.  I realise now that I had been stressing my system for 6 months and ignoring anxiety symptoms. Since then I slid down into the black hole (as I call it) and I have been crawling out for 3 months. This has been the worst period of major depression I have experienced and I'm not taking it any more.

I am trying to change my life. To change the fundamentals which make be susceptible to the grip of depression. I'm trying new meds, I'm reading self help (which I have previously shunned), I'm meditating,  having CBT, trying to lose weight and eat right, learn about depression and it's causes, getting some excercise, and change my work-life balance.

This blog is for me. But if it helps anyone else that would be another reason to be happy :)