I feel rotten again this morning. Really shaky and sick. I want to get back in bed and stay there. With cakes.
Luckily for me I'm addicted to nicotine and I just smoked my last fag. Smoking has forced me to leave the house on so many mornings whilst I've been down. I know it's a terrible habit but lets just leave that aside for now. Anything which forces me to move is a positive.
So I'm ignoring the nerves, shaking, nausea and tearfulness and going to the shop. Where I will not buy cake. Probably. NO! First weigh in tomorrow, I will definitely not buy cake!!
Update: 12.30 pm. I went to the shop and bought only healthy stuff. I got a nice book in the mail and my pay cheque which is healthy too. But I'm flaked out on the sofa still shaky and feeling utterly low and empty.
I've pushed myself hard over the last week and today I feel resentful of the normal household tasks I need to accomplish. I'm just staring into space feeling vacant. I don't know where to begin.
Ok. Writing things down is helpful. So what do I need to do?
Washing up; clothes in the wash; make chili for dinner; make breakfast and lunch.
What do I want to do? Loaf on the sofa or go back to sleep. Eat.
Put clothes in the wash. Then eat breakfast and take it from there. This is me being gentle with myself. A simple thing like breakfast seems to be cathartic so lets try it.
Update: 17.45. I'm back on the sofa. Breakfast did help and a jacket potato at lunch definitely picked me up. I did some house stuff and the chili is bubbling away but I feel completely wiped out now. And blue. Today was supposed to be very chilled but I feel like I've been busy all day! I don't know. I just feel weak and sick and...wrong somehow. It's the feeling I get before a panic attack :( I will just chill. Drink my water and lie still for a while.
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