Weigh in

I am so nervous about my first Slimming World weigh in tonight. Last time I joined I only lost 1/2lb in my first week. This time around I am trying to eat loads more fruit and superfree veg (low calorie density) I'm also drinking 2.5 litres of water per day.

And I had two 'runs' on the treadmill this week. Including today when I moved onto week 2 of c25k which is 6x 90 second run then 2min walk. Much tougher than the first week though technically only 'running' (I do 6mph) for 1 more minute across the session :/

Anyway I see people achieving these great losses and I'm envious.  I know myself too well I get bored after the first flush of excitement and I know that it's going to take a long time to lose the 50lbs or so that I'm aiming for.

One step at a time eh? Like this. One day, one hour, one choice at a time.
I shall update you with the result later...
Update: 9pm
Well. I lost one pound. 1 lb. Hmph.
A bit disappointed but not surprised really. When I got home my new FB SW friends cheered me up with lots of kind words and motivation.  I then cooked dinner which was SW hawaiian pizza and chips and it was totally delish. Like having a genuine treat! So I'm happy I can keep going and try even harder this week.

Though I have got two evenings out planned :/ ah well I'm driving tomoro so diet coke is easy enough, just need to have chicken and a jacket or salad and it'll be cool. More concerned about Sunday which is a big party night with big big junk food people...

Bad start to the day

I feel rotten again this morning.  Really shaky and sick.  I want to get back in bed and stay there. With cakes.

Luckily for me I'm addicted to nicotine and I just smoked my last fag. Smoking has forced me to leave the house on so many mornings whilst I've been down. I know it's a terrible habit but lets just leave that aside for now. Anything which forces me to move is a positive.

So I'm ignoring the nerves, shaking, nausea and tearfulness and going to the shop. Where I will not buy cake. Probably. NO! First weigh in tomorrow,  I will definitely not buy cake!!

Update: 12.30 pm. I went to the shop and bought only healthy stuff. I got a nice book in the mail and my pay cheque which is healthy too. But I'm flaked out on the sofa still shaky and feeling utterly low and empty.

I've pushed myself hard over the last week and today I feel resentful of the normal household tasks I need to accomplish.  I'm just staring into space feeling vacant. I don't know where to begin. 

Ok. Writing things down is helpful. So what do I need to do?
Washing up; clothes in the wash;  make chili for dinner; make breakfast and lunch.

What do I want to do? Loaf on the sofa or go back to sleep. Eat.

Put clothes in the wash. Then eat breakfast and take it from there. This is me being gentle with myself. A simple thing like breakfast seems to be cathartic so lets try it.

Update: 17.45. I'm back on the sofa. Breakfast did help and a jacket potato at lunch definitely picked me up. I did some house stuff and the chili is bubbling away but I feel completely wiped out now. And blue. Today was supposed to be very chilled but I feel like I've been busy all day! I don't know. I just feel weak and sick and...wrong somehow. It's the feeling I get before a panic attack :( I will just chill. Drink my water and lie still for a while.

Running!!

No alarm clock today and a decent nights sleep. Still had a headache when I woke up and though I had a nice healthy breakfast I still went back to bed for a cuddle.

It's now 14.30 and I just had my third run of c25k week one and I feel awesome! I decided to make no excuses.  Today my one goal was to run. I know not everyone has that luxury but as I do at the moment I'd be a fool not to take it. And the great thing is that I feel so juiced after the run that I want to do all the other stuff!

Ok realistically the buzz doesn't last forever but I'm making a note of how wonderful it feels immediately afterwards - especially when it is hard to get going! Now I'm going to have a shower then a lovely bath then a yummy salad sarnie with my homemade coleslaw. 

Hahaha this is crazy. My Sunday usually consists of lounging, eating biscuits, feeling shit and sluggish and going to bed unhappy. Even if the day ends up that way it had a good bit in the middle :)

Morning

After a few days of not sleeping I decided to stick with my old standby method - fall asleep on the sofa and stay there. I instructed hubby not to disturb me and managed about 7 hours sleep.

So why do I still feel so shitty? When I wake up to an alarm I feel sick for about an hour afterwards. My head is booming too - though I have been trying to drink more water it's clearly not enough! In order to get going and keep on track with SW I know I need to eat breakfast but ugh, I just feel so gross. I sm staring at an apple right now and the thought of it hurts my teeth.

Plus I know I have tons of chores to do today and I must get in my third 'run' for the week. Really all I want to do is get in my bed. I know other people have a lot more to cram into their day and this is where I start to feel guilty about being tired and unmotivated.  But thats not helpful is it?

For me, one step at a time is good enough. So. I shall take my meds and take my time. Wake up gently. Get a good breakfast. Then start my chores - gently. I will keep drinking water and in the afternoon I will do my run.

I will also try to do some prep for tomoro and then Sunday will be a beautiful relaxed day in a clean and tidy flat. That's the plan.

Update: 12.30
It took 2 hours to come round. I ate a chopped apple with fat free vanilla yoghurt and a sprinkle of granola. I felt sick. But then I started to feel better :)

I have put in a load of washing, washed some pots, and most awesomely - I just made SW coleslaw. This may seem a trivial thing to many but I hate veg and for me to make something that involves carrots, cabbage, preparation, cleaning and low fat is a huge achievement! And it tastes great. Riding a happy wave ~~~~ woop!

Though I must admit I am now STARVING. 

Update: 7pm
I chilled on the sofa after a lovely omelette and beans made by hubby. I almost dozed of but roused myself for a bit more housework and now I am pooped! I haven't run today and I feel a bit guilty but after the burst of awesomeness this morning I have slid back down to lazy town. We had a super healthy dinner of tuna salad and jack pots planned but the potatoes are all green! So we're going for pasta n sauce with sausages and a fruit salad to follow. It's not exciting but it is filling.

Highs and lows

Well the day started off crummy because I was so tired. How tempting was my bed? But, as has become my mission, I went out to spite the depression. That's right depression screw you! I went and got my hair did.

Whilst I was at the hairdresser I had three missed calls. One from a courier who wasn't able to deliver coz our buzzer doesn't work! One from my boss and one from the temp agency.

I knew what it meant to get a call from the agency - yay me I got the job nice self esteem boost :) The call from work was followed by an email which said that if I want to hand in my notice I must give four weeks but THEY WILL CONTINUE TO PAY ME! This is great news!

Then I had a quandary though because I will technically be on sick or at least garden leave until May so it would be risky to accept another job. Not to mention somewhat dishonest.
After some contemplation I calmly handed in my notice and then called the agency being polite and apologetic (so that they wont refuse my application next time).

Job done.  Now I think we can scrape by until July even if I don't manage to find another job. And if worst comes to worst I can sign on in May for a little more pocket money. Everything will be fine. I'm almost sure of it.

Land of the zombies

It's 4am and I'm awake. Again. 
Feel like I have tossed and turned for 5 hours only to suddenly become wide awake. And I feel ok now but by lunch time I will feel dreadful and in the afternoon my mood will plummet.

This cannot continue. I'm trying to be active and not just slope around the house but it feels like I'm being punished!

I'm now 80% convinced it's the higher level of citalopram causing this restlessness rather than anxiety because when I lay in bed my thoughts are not racing and spiraling and I don't feel panic, I just feel...restless, unsettled,  fidgety.  It's almost like being on speed - but in the day I don't feel speeded up I feel slowed down. But then that might be because I'm sleep deprived.... argh! A trip to the docs is in order I think!

Hitting hurdles

This morning I was supposed to have an appointment to get my hair done. I needed to get my hair done because I have an interview today for a temp job.

I missed my hair appointment because I didn't sleep again last night. It was like a very very long nightmare. I just dozed for 10 minutes and then woke for an hour or so all night long. When the alarm went off at 7.30 I felt dreadful.

Managed to grab a few zzzs this morning and now it's 11am. My interview is at 1.30pm and I'm fighting with myself about whether I attend.

Reasons not to go:
I feel like shit
I look like shit
If I go and I get it I'm not sure if I can take it (this is complicated)
If I get it and don't take it will it look bad to the temp agency who I may later need it may be better to withdraw
I'm very anxious
I want to go back to bed
The job is in the evenings - it will interfere with slimming world
It doesn't pay much and I'll probably lose half in tax

Reasons to go:
It will be good experience
I may need the job
If I back out I will look bad to the temp agency
The job is in the evenings so I will have time to prepare
The job is part time which is part of my plan to get better

This is difficult. I think I should go but my body is resisting. I'm twitchy and grumpy and causing chaos in my head. I must go! For no other reason than I don't want to! Man I am twisted.

Right. Coffee, fag, shower and reassess.

Update: 13.15 I'm sitting in reception waiting for my interview. I ate some surprisingly yummy yoghurt and berries for breakfast and that cheered me up a lot. Then I smoked a million cigarettes. Then I got my ass in gear and here I am. Yay me!! Hopefully it won't be too taxing, but even if it is - I'm here! !! I rule all

Update: 14.15. All over :D and I actually rather enjoyed it! There was an unexpected roleplay portion which I hate but I think I did ok. Then a very brief interview with two lovely ladies. Ahh. I rocked it and I feel BRILLIANT! If I hadn't gone I would have sat here feeling down and guilty. Now I feel positive and confident and pleased with myself. This is why I'm blogging. Recording and challenging my own shitty feelings so that I can look back at what helps and hinders. You are my conscience. Even though I'm sure no-one else is reading I feel an obligation to the blog title :)

Becoming healthier

Is bloody hard work.

I did Day 2 of the C25k today. I took it at an easier pace and it was much more manageable.  Even managed to sing as I was stumbling along!

When I came off the treadmill though I had an ache in my back, which I seem to wake up with every day. This afternoon it was horrible and worrying.  At first I thought I needed the loo, then felt overwhelmed by nausea and cold sweat. I managed to grab some painkillers but was too afraid to take them in case I threw up.

It felt like a kidney pain, but I have no problems peeing so I really don't know. Checked my pills for side effects seems unrelated. It's gone now and I hope it doesn't return because that was just nasty :(

Day 1 of SW and my cupboards are rather bare. I don't have much of the stuff I need (salad, veg, grains) but I will try to make it through today. I really feel quite shit now. Low energy, averse to going out, tired and want my bed. I'll get some food in me and hopefully that will help. Otherwise I may have to call it a day.

Mood: 4/10, anxiety: 4/10, energy: 3/10

Update 5pm: I ate and forced myself to go to the shop for healthier food. Albeit a lot of it is canned but I have to be realistic - if I don't have stuff around which is easy I won't eat well. My mood is slightly better now after going out. Not sure if it's down to the activity or the mental peace that comes from accomplishing a task? Hmm.

Anxiety

I have to speak to work today. My sick note runs to 3 May but I have decided not to go back. 4 hours a day commuting to London (yep that's not a typo) to work a full day in a stressful and often upsetting job is not going to help me get better.

I tried a phased return but even to work half a day meant a huge effort and cost and I flaked after a week.

So I have to commit to my decision and I'm extremely nervous about it. Obviously I'm supposed to give a month notice but that would be a month of sick notes and I feel that I am ready to do 'something' maybe a few hours temping.  If I ask my contract to be terminated immediately that is risky because I may not find work but I have to try. Sitting around is terrible for the soul.

My heart is racing, my hands are sweating I feel sick and dizzy just thinking about this conversation but it has to happen. I think. Oh god what am I doing?

Moving on. That's what I'm trying to do.I shall take my beta blockers and some calming breaths. Nothing is going to hurt me. Just put one word in front of the other. Will let you know how it goes.

Update: well. Just spoke to my boss who is the loveliest man ever. I told him I want to leave and whilst understanding he sounds genuinely gutted. He has done everything he can to help me and try to make it easier on me to go back. He is going to speak to HR and find out what happens re notice. So all that is left for me is to write my official resignation and see what happens with pay.

Feel a bit better now :)

Weight loss

Inspired by some wonderful people I went and rejoined Slimming World tonight. I haven't been for about a year and to be honest I didn't really enjoy it back then. The consultant was brusque, unprofessional,  pushy and never responded to requests for help. Looks like her group has since gone out of business.

Anyway, this new group seems ok. There is one mouthy mad American who I find really amusing :) and the consultant seems like a smart lady.

I weighed in at 12.12st which is about 2lb heavier than this time last year and half way between the heaviest and lightest I have been in the last 5 years. People always expect a big loss in the first week but to be quite honest I think that is unlikely for me. First time around I only lost 1/2 a lb the first week and was gutted. It takes me a while to get into it.

The reason I'm doing it right now is twofold: one it encourages better eaying habits - fresh fruit and veg as well as low gi high protein; and two if I look better I will feel better. Both things work on the positive spiral.

I was pretty nervous going to the group and I got the panic wave half way thru (I feel really hot and like I might throw up) that I sometimes get in training/ group presentations but I stuck it out. Even used a calming breathing excercise I read about! So yay me.

Sleeping tablets

Is this how people are supposed to feel when they wake up? My eyes are bright, my brain is switch to the 'on' position, no headache, no body aches! I feel ready to get out of bed!

Fair enough 9.42am is a little late to  do so - but it's the feeling I'm interested in. Last night I was reeling from tiredness but wanted to be sure it didn't escalate so I took a sleeping tablet. After an hour (midnight) I wasnt feeling it so I took another BOOM lights out.

Now it's a not a sedative its an hypnotic  drug and I have no clue how it works but I am aware that you have to treat it carefully and it can result in memory loss.

Normally when I wake up I have flashes of Dan coming to bed, waking up, hearing his alarm, or dreams at least. This morning I have nothing. I was either unconscious until a few minutes ago or I slept normally and have no nemory of any interupting events. Bizarre. But I do feel good.

Except for the fact that I slept through three alarms and missed my date with my friend. That's a downside.

Update 12pm. I am calm and relaxed to the point of horizontal. But I have no mojo. I did manage to shower and dress but I feel glued to the sofa. My head wants to hit the pillows. It's not sleepiness - I don't feel it in my eyes. It's more like feeling stoned ans just wanting to sink into soft warm blackness. Sooo tempting.

No!!! No no no no no! I am going to put the tv on loud. Do the washing up and eat something.  Hah! Screw you lethargy. I fight you one step at a time!!

The day after a sleepless night

I was wide awake until 5.30am when I finally got the urge to sleep. Until that point I was debating with myself whether to venture out to a 24 hour garage or McDonalds for entertainment.

I went to bed as hubby was waking up and fell asleep before he left around 7.30. I woke up at 11am feeling not too bad!

Today's mood 6/10 but fading; anxiety 5/10.

I have learned that activity promotes a sense of fulfilment and wellbeing which in turn leads to a desire to do more. It's an upward spiral out of depressions grasp.  But when you feel the lack of sleep draining your energy it's difficult to get moving.

Yesterday I got on the treadmill (inspired by a friend who used to be overweight running the marathon) and did the first day of the 'couch to 5k' it was agony and I am paying for it today. My thighs, calves as ass are stiff and sore. C25k gets you going with 60 second runs and walking intervals. I am extremely unfit and about 4 stones overweight BUT day one is under my belt and at the time I did feel great :)

So much so that I entered the Race for Life in 10 weeks. I'm also going to a hen party in 14 weeks so I have a good target for losing some weight and starting to feel good about myself. To that end I'm intending to rejoin SW tomorrow and for this reason I will mostly be eating crap today ;)

Update 5pm. Mood gone down the pan 4/10. Anxiety up and energy down.
So tired and grotty feeling - plus I feel pressure. I need to meet a friend,  call my boss, book an appointment,  get a hair cut, clean my house and I'm also waiting for two deliverys and the outcome of 4 job applications.

Right. What to do to get out of the grump?? Do something useful.  I will: empty the litter tray, do a spot of washing up and then sit down with a nice cup of tea. Ha! Now I have written it down I have no choice!

Insomnia

I've always been a bit of an insomniac but over the last 3 years it has gotten worse. It's only periodic and I can usually manage for one or two nights but at the moment it's pissing me off.

It seems that as my mood improves I get more fidgety and then I'm to wired to sleep. This happened about a month ago. My mood was good I felt positive and relaxed but then anxiety hit me from nowhere, insomnia followed and sleeplessness sent my mood spiralling down. After three awful weeks I now feel pretty good again but I cannot frickin sleep and I'm worried the same thing will happen again!

It could be my meds. I'm on 40mg citalopram and occasionally take beta blockers for anxiety.  My doc gave me sleeping tablets but I've only taken 4 in 4 weeks as dependency is a real issue. So what to do now?

Perhaps 40mg is too high? I'm perplexed and frustrated. Any ideas?

Here we go again

I decided to blog today off the cuff about my anger, frustration and optimism surrounding depression.

Here's the what. I was first diagnosed in 2002 and since then I have had several periods of moderate to severe depression.  I initially tried fluoxetine (prozac) but didn't like it. I later tried citalopram and have been taking it on and off for 8 years. I have seen 3 counsellors, a wellbeing practitioner, a CPN and several GPs.

I have been up and down. I have been unable to move, think, eat, sleep, live or die. I have been so anxious that I didn't leave the house for a month. But I have been well enough that I was on a tv gameshow, walked the Great Wall of China and raised £5000 for charity.

Me now: In December 2012 I realised I was depressed when visiting my folks over Christmas I suddenly couldn't stop crying. I was overwhelmed with feelings of sadness, loss and exhaustion.  I realise now that I had been stressing my system for 6 months and ignoring anxiety symptoms. Since then I slid down into the black hole (as I call it) and I have been crawling out for 3 months. This has been the worst period of major depression I have experienced and I'm not taking it any more.

I am trying to change my life. To change the fundamentals which make be susceptible to the grip of depression. I'm trying new meds, I'm reading self help (which I have previously shunned), I'm meditating,  having CBT, trying to lose weight and eat right, learn about depression and it's causes, getting some excercise, and change my work-life balance.

This blog is for me. But if it helps anyone else that would be another reason to be happy :)