Sunshine!

In order to make this more useful to me and perhaps anyone else who might read it in future I want to be a little more useful.
So yesterday I was about a 6/7 in terms of depression and a 5/6 in anxiety/ restlessness.

Today I got up (after a sleep fueled by zopiclone) I still felt knackered. I had my berocca.

Went to work still in a daze and had coffee and a cookie at about 11am. SB asked if I wanted to go for a walk at lunchtime. I didn't.  I wanted to curl up in the back seat of my car. But I did!

20 minutes walk in the sun, looking at the trees changing colour, listening to someone elses problems.  I ate only a bag of popcorn and some antioxidant juice.

I left work feeling better.  More awake,  more positive, even sort of smiley.

I don't know which piece of the day helped most but I'm guessing the combo of walk, sunshine, company and lack of starchy food. I'm now about a 2/3 on anxiety and a 3 on depression.  That's good desu ne?

Ah duck

It's hard to blog in the anxious bits. Too hard to settle concentrate and make sense. Easier to stop, freeze, hide then the depression creeps in.
2 days off work.  2 sessions of derby missed. 4 weeks off sw and about a stone heavier.  Must go to docs this week. I'm losing my shit...
Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.
Already feel unworthy and like people are judging and hating me.

Shit

I feel shit. I'm tired I'm shaky. I have palpitations.  I feel like a weak pathetic dick head. I'm isolating myself - cancelling on things I enjoy, making myself look unreliable and lazy.

It's the spiral! I know it and I'm still giving in to it! Why???

You feel bad so you don't go out,  then you feel silly and guilty and lonely.  You wonder what people will think or say about you, you feel paranoid and less inclined to go out next time.

The less you do of the fun things the worse you feel and the less energy and motivation you have. Fucks sake!!

I'm not going out but what I am going to do is unfuck my flat. I want it cleaner. Tidier. More peaceful.

Failing

I have been off work for a week. Bullshitting that I have the flu (well I am run down with a cold) but we know why don't we?

This morning I told hubs to wake me at any cost so that I would be ready for work. I got up early, I had an hour to get ready and I flaked. I was so damn TIRED!

I forced down my berocca and apple and citalopram (see I am trying) and then fell asleep on the sofa. I just woke up. It's lunchtime and I am starving!!

The question is - how do I prevent today from happening tomorrow?  I suppose I use my strength of will.

I know it's my decision of course but I'm prone to letting my gut make bad decisions. Come on head - get involved!!

Glad to have you

Hello blog my old friend.
I'm glad to have you because you are proof that I have seen the sun rise after the the darkest night.

Things are hard again. I'm tired - so tired I cannot get out of bed. I've been off work since last Wednesday.  I've skived skating and slimming world. My diet has been terrible.

I'm twitchy and not sleeping. I have mini panic attacks. I clearly see the downward spiral in front of me.

But I have started taking a B vit complex, trying to keep up with some activity and get some greens my diet. I'm here to look at how I got better before so I can nip this sucker in the bud.