Cancelling is losing

And yet.

I had a week off work because I couldn't bare the thought. Then I,  somehow, picked myself up and went in for a week. I even went out with some friends at the weekend.

Then I think hormones got involved and I hit the deck again. Now I've been off work another 3 days.
What a fuck up. I even cancelled my dentist appt today. Part of me is so ashamed and the other is so relieved. I can just go back to bed now. I really just want to turn everything off.

So close

This morning Mr got me out of bed at 6am (as I had instructed him). He gave coffee and i shambled onto the sofa. However, when he left at 7am and i tried to rouse myself to shower - instead I slumped and fell back to sleep for two hours. Huh.

Now its up to me. How the day goes is in my hands.

Update 12.30pm. I got off the sofa, showered, dressed and even put on makeup. But I haven't made it out of the door. Nor have I managed to call my boss. I'm just sitting here petrified with watery eyes. What I want to do is go to bed. What I should do is go to work. It's grey outside and inside. 

I just can't face people. Looking, smiling, asking where I've been, or just wondering, small talk. Then the work itself. Lots, a pile, pressure, opportunity to fuck up. People to dissapoint. Jesus. 

Maybe I'll just go in at 4pm. Or 5pm when fewer people are there. That would be intense enough.i don't fucking know maybe that's just another procrastination.

Fibres not feelings

I'm an avid crafter and often more so when I'm in a dark place. The repetitive actions of knitting or crochet keep my anxiety down and if I can do something with soft fibres and bright colours it helps my mood too. There is no doubt I find it therapeutic and it gives me solace.

This year I have made a number of items by needle felting - jewelry, gifts, easter chicks, horror icons, animals. I also had a go at wet felting a couple of bags. I've crocheted two small blankets, knitted a cuddly toy which I'm sharing with the cat. Made a few easy bits of beaded jewelry, done a fair bit of idle colouring and have just today completed my durst cross stitch chart - a cat knitting a scarf - how meta!

It's a distraction.  I need it. I crave it. But I leap from task to task and craft to craft quickly. I learn the fundamentals, then obsess over the new skill for a few weeks until the passion evaporates. I rarely revisit discarded passtimes but something drew me back to cross stitch. More wisely this time I selected a smaller piece (which still took a good 4 days to complete) instead of the monster I was working on before - and have no desire to pick up again. And now I'm obsessed and my second kit is already on my lap. This time it's Bagpuss in an adorable captains hat with the title -Hello Sailor. How could I resist?

Sadly I haven't been to work again. I'm afraid I now have the fear of the people. I will try again tomorrow though. I know that getting over that first hurdle is the hardest part. I just don't seem to have it in me today.

Hello darkness my old foe

Not a friend. Depression is not my buddy my pal.
I've been floating on denial for a few months now. I struggled through winter with the help of increased meds and light therapy. The light therapy helped so much I was convinced that I only had SAD and come springtime I would be all better. Nope. Not the case.

I'm struggling again - though far less than last winter when I had 4-5 months off work, this time I am managing through odd days here and there. But I feel like shit.

The worst thing today is the brain fog. I was so confused when I woke up. I didn't know what day or time it was or if my dreams were real. A work colleague texted to see if I was ok - I could hardly speak. It's very difficult to explain to someone how brain fog can destroy your ability to be you! I sound stoned, stupid, incoherent and that is how I feel.

Jeebus. 35 years old. 13 years of this condition and I'm still learning. I still don't have the answers.

Anxiety: 1, Depression: 5, Lethargy: 6

So sad

Bn signed off work til January.  Bloody hell. Why am I so sad? Not sure these new ads are helping at all.
Having trouble sleeping. Also trouble concentrating. Let Dan down this morning after he's been the most wonderful supportive husband in the world. Gah! I suck.

I'm in my dressing gown at 2.30 in tge afternoon trying to motivate myself to have a shower and get dressed.  Only because my poor little kitty needs food.

We were due to go to a gig tonight and paid £70 for the tickets but now we're nit going and I feel like it's my fault.

I have a black dog. His name is C**T!

Can't deal with anything today.
Utterly useless and want nothing but my bed. I fail at everything.

Mostly numb. But also there is anger at this stupid brain malfunction.

And the next day
Feel utterly useless.  Pathetic. Failure.
Stupid.  Lazy. Worthless. Disgusting.
Depression 7/8. Anxiety 5.

Sgitballs

Yeg that. Im havung a braun varf so dint care about spelling mistakes. Flat flooded ar the wknd and I git tgrough it cheerfully.  Then cillaosef. Im a fyckinf mess. Im ruining everything I xant cope with kife. Can't . WNt to go bacj to my bed.

I was so up. I ckeared bixes and bafs of my stuff ti tge bin coz of the flooding. Worked hard felr goid. Now I'm a soggy mess. Feel like everyone is sick of my shit. I'm sick if my shit.