So sad

Bn signed off work til January.  Bloody hell. Why am I so sad? Not sure these new ads are helping at all.
Having trouble sleeping. Also trouble concentrating. Let Dan down this morning after he's been the most wonderful supportive husband in the world. Gah! I suck.

I'm in my dressing gown at 2.30 in tge afternoon trying to motivate myself to have a shower and get dressed.  Only because my poor little kitty needs food.

We were due to go to a gig tonight and paid £70 for the tickets but now we're nit going and I feel like it's my fault.

I have a black dog. His name is C**T!

Can't deal with anything today.
Utterly useless and want nothing but my bed. I fail at everything.

Mostly numb. But also there is anger at this stupid brain malfunction.

And the next day
Feel utterly useless.  Pathetic. Failure.
Stupid.  Lazy. Worthless. Disgusting.
Depression 7/8. Anxiety 5.

Sgitballs

Yeg that. Im havung a braun varf so dint care about spelling mistakes. Flat flooded ar the wknd and I git tgrough it cheerfully.  Then cillaosef. Im a fyckinf mess. Im ruining everything I xant cope with kife. Can't . WNt to go bacj to my bed.

I was so up. I ckeared bixes and bafs of my stuff ti tge bin coz of the flooding. Worked hard felr goid. Now I'm a soggy mess. Feel like everyone is sick of my shit. I'm sick if my shit.

No sleep today

Well. Not sure why but I was totally wired last night. I lay in bed for 2 hours just not sleeping. Not stressing or thinking just not sleeping.

I am a bit twitchy in the toes. Then I got up at 4am. Went back to bed at 6.30 and eventually fell asleep about 8. Had crazy vivid (but not scary) dreams. Woke up,  went back to sleep and got up at 10.30.

Feel a bit grotty but more awake than I have in a while tbh. Though my head doesn't seem connected to my body :/

I have things to do today so I must shake a leg soon. But perhaps not quite yet.

Now it's 3pm. I'm showered, dressed and freaking out because I have to drive somewhere unfamiliar to meet someone I don't know. Whoo. Update later.

Drove about 8 miles to visit a lady from a freecycle group who  gifted me with a huge bag full of xmas decs :) dodgy drive home in traffic but I was overwhelmed by the lovely baubles, tinsel, lights and beads. Made my day and now I'm looking forward to decorating our tree this weekend.

This evening I do feel rough though. Like my head is numb - not attached. And nauseous with tummy ache :( bit fed up with this icky feeling but - chin up.

Yes!

Went to work today and it was good. I really like my job. Every one seemed to be nice to me. Val had done tons of work so pressure was off. It was great to be out and productive.

I'm on second dose and third day of new meds - Sertraline. Today I had sweaty palms, minor headache, minor earache, felt a bit jittery, moderate nausea and this evening weird vertigo like I was barrel rolling on the sofa!

But nothing I can't handle. Today has been good. Tomorrow will also be good.

Loser

God I'm such a fucking loser. I should be at work but I'm not. I'm so tired. It's like I'm paralysed to my bed. I try to get up but I'm exhausted.  Utterly drained, numb, empty of everything but pathetic tears.

I know. I should just do one thing. Just have a bath, get dressed or something but...there is no spirit in me.

Am I giving in? Is it really just my fault?
I must be so weak.

I need to be at work. I'm sure I'm needed and if I'm not there everything will build up to intolerable proportions.

I need to build my resolve and talk to my boss. Honestly and fully. And then try to work as much as I can.

Anxiety 3, depression 6/7, lethargy 7

I'm adding a photo today. I just woke up. I'm in bed. Note the pale zitty skin,  the thousand yard stare and ever present hoody of self pity.

Switch on...off...?

Went to the docs today and despite her largely dispassionate demeanour we agreed that I will switch from citalopram to sertraline and see if it helps.
Based on the experiences I have read from others I am concerned about the side effects for the next few weeks but I'm determined to stick it out and hope for the best.

I have 9 more days of work to get through. I'm not sure how I will do, but I think a conversation with my boss will be in order to let her know that I am doing my best to manage my condition,  my health and therefore my attendance and efficacy at work.

That is all I can do. Be honest, protect myself and keep trying. I will not slide down the rabbit hole. I will not.

Total waste

I'm not at work. Again. Great. I have an easy job close to home, part time and I still can't make it. I feel like I should give up! But then that's what I'm doing isn't it?
What I need to do is fight. Not sure I remember how.